hypocritical : talking the talk without walking the walk

October 27, 2005

Flashback: Dear Whitman College graduates of 1993 (Part Deux)

NOTE: Another flashback entry. This time, the second letter (part one can be found here) asking former Whitman College students to return to Walla Walla for a five-year reunion. Yes, I know, you wish you received letters like this from your former schoolmates. If you want to pretend we went to school together, I'd be happy to send you similar missives. Original publication date? June 1998.


Yes. It's another inane letter from your reunion committee, so kick back, relax, and listen to us whine about your much-needed attendance on the weekend of September 25-27, 1998. (Don't forget, Kirsten and I are getting paid by head count).

Last time we spoke, Kirsten and I tired to convince you that you have some interesting stories to tell, regardless of what you may think. Many of you responded with tearful admissions of inadequacy that would have made Oprah proud. I'm glad we were here for you. Now, knock it off. We've changed our phone numbers. Quit bothering us with your purported "problems." Just show up. We'll have a big group hug or something.

Some of the people with whom we've chatted have mentioned that attending a reunion of any kind is simply not worth their while. To this, we responded, "You spent $80,000 on an education and one measly trip to Walla Walla isn't worth your while?" To this, almost all of you responded, "That was my parents' money. We're talking about MY money here."

We'll concede that point.

So, it now falls upon Kirsten and I to make the trip to dear old Whitman worthwhile. To lure you to campus, we have been planning some activities that will provide more worth than you dreamed of having in any sort of while. Here's a smattering of the activities we're proposing:

1) "Hook-Up with Old Flame Night." Remember those evenings of fumbling, dorm-hopping passion? Ah, halcyon days. They can again be yours. Sure, your old sweethearts may have wrinkled a tad and put on few pounds, but isn't that just more of them to love? Come hook up with your old flames, like you used to do time and time again when you were a student. We'll even have your old roommate walk in on you, just for old time's sake. (Flames from Class of '93 only, please. Leave the current students alone.)

2) "Lost & Found Auction." Sure, you were forced to buy 3 of those embroidered Whitman sweatshirts because they kept "disappearing." Your favorite mug got swiped at the SUB. And what about that David Hasselhoff poster your freshman roommate said was "stolen by strange women"? Heck, even the stop sign by the SUB was pilfered. While you've longed for your former possessions, there's no way to get them back. Or is there?

Dry those eyes, gentle reader. We've shaken down a few of the kleptos in our class (All right, so I had the majority of the stuff in my trunk. The statute of limitations has run out. You have no recourse.) You can have it all back. Or you can swipe someone else's if the price is right. You'll be bidding on stuff you used to own, trying to recoup lost memories, while Kirsten and I make a buck. (Don't say Whitman didn't teach us anything.) No price is too low. We've lost our lease. Everything must go. (We even have about 3,000 intramural blue shirts, but we may just give those away.)

3) "Dance Like an Early 90's Fool." Does DJ Smelly Smell frown when you ask him to play old Madonna tunes? Do people see your rendition of the "sprinkler" or the "lawn mower" and shake their heads sadly? Tired of yawning as the rest of your fellow ravers are just getting started? Well come on back to where it all began: the Barnaby's dance floor. Let it all hang out with people your age who still think that MTV's Party-to-Go defined a new age in dance.

4) "An Evening of Ice Breakers." M&Ms, toilet paper, clever name games... whatever it takes to get you to open your heart and your mind to those around you. For the particularly adventurous types, the evening will be topped off with a round of "pinging" and the singing of the Whitman Hymn.

These are just some of the ideas in the works. Of course, all are pending approval. So, please don't come back with the "not worth my while" excuse. With activities like these, a weekend in Walla Walla will seem like the most important thing in the world.

So, make you reservations now. Remember, you're from the "Kick-ass Class of '93."

Don't forget, you were always our favorite person at Whitman.


Kirsten & Rick

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Flashback: Dear Whitman College graduates of 1993 (Part Deux)
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